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Suzette Haden Elgin's The Gentle Art of Verbal
Self-Defense
1. Why
did you feel that a new edition of The Gentle Art of Verbal
Self-Defense was needed?
Because the first
edition was written in 1979, and the world has changed so much and so
drastically since then that the first edition badly needed updating.
2. What
is verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse is
hostile language that hurts the listener and is not accidental. (For
example, it's not language that someone overhears by mistake; the
speaker intends the listener to hear it.)
3. Since nothing
really happens, isn't verbal abuse harmless?
No. Verbal abuse
can be just as life-threatening as a loaded gun. If you are exposed to
chronic verbal abuse–whether as abuser, as victim, or as an
innocent
bystander who doesn't have the option to leave the scene–you
are in
danger.
4. Who
are the worst verbal abusers–men, or women?
One is just as
likely as the other. Anyone can be a verbal abuser, including small
children and people who are physically very frail.
5. Where
can verbal victims–or verbal abusers who'd like to change
their ways–
go for help?
Almost no expert
help is available unless the individual has access to a professional
therapist. You can't call the police or a social service agency and
complain that you've been verbally abused. There's no law against
verbal abuse in the U.S., and the lack of a definition for it that will
stand up in a court of law (as do the definitions for libel and
slander, for example) makes it difficult for professionals or agencies
to intervene and offer help. This is beginning to change, at long
last–but very, very slowly.
6. I'm a
verbal victim. What can I do?
The most important
thing you can do is something you've already done–becoming
aware that
you are a verbal victim. The next thing is to understand that verbal
abuse, unlike other kinds of abuse, requires a participating partner, a
living human being to play the victim role. When you fill that role
you're rewarding the verbal abuser's behavior; the longer you keep that
up, the stronger the habit will become. Finally, you need to understand
that most chronic verbal abusers aren't sadistic monsters whose goal is
to cause pain–instead, they use hostile language as a way to
satisfy
their need for human attention. They cause pain because they've learned
that doing so will get attention; it's not their purpose. That doesn't
excuse what they do, but it's important for it to be understood.
7. If
most verbal abusers don't really mean any harm, aren't so-called verbal
victims just neurotics who make mountains out of molehills?
No. The abusers'
intentions are irrelevant. When chemical companies dump toxic waste
into a water system, their goal isn't to poison people; they do it
because it's convenient and cheap. We do our best to make them stop it
all the same, and the poisoning is just as dangerous as if it were
deliberate. The same thing is true for verbal abusers; whatever their
motives, they have no right to harm others with their language. The
pain they cause is real, and its effects are dangerous and nontrivial.
8. What
is the worst kind of verbal abuse?
That depends on
the people involved. It's like asking what is the worst kind of
physical abuse–it depends. Long term, chronic verbal abuse,
of any
kind, is worse than short term verbal abuse.
9. What
do chronic verbal attackers typically say about what they're doing?
Two things. "Well,
at least I never HIT anybody!" (And they're proud of that, as if it
were a major achievement.) "Hey, I don't MEAN to hurt anybody!" (And
they consider that a complete excuse.)
10. What
do chronic verbal targets typically say about what they're doing?
Three things.
"Well, at least he/she never HITS me!" ... "I knew I was always
miserable, but I didn't know why; now I know why."
... "It's all my fault–I shouldn't be so sensitive."
11.
Isn't assertiveness training the best way to end verbal abuse?
If you always say
the wrong thing, whether as target or as attacker, assertiveness
training will only teach you how to say the wrong thing far more
effectively and articulately. That's not an improvement. Assertiveness
training can be very helpful, but it's not a solution for verbal abuse.
12. Is
there a connection between verbal violence and physical violence?
Yes. Verbal
violence is where physical violence begins. Sane people don't just walk
up to others and start hitting; first there are hostile words. While
the abuse is still verbal, anyone can learn how to keep it from
escalating; once it's physical, it becomes a matter for law enforcement
and emergency medicine. We have to teach our children about this more
carefully than we do. When children who hurt others with words are
always told not to worry about it–"Oh, Tommy just can't take
a joke!
He'll get over it!"–the children get the message that causing
people
pain with language is okay. They learn that when their words hurt other
people, something is wrong with those people. It’s all too
easy for
that message to get transferred to physical abuse.
13.
Isn't a verbal abuser/victim pair a typical example of codependency?
In some ways, yes,
but there are critical differences. First: Verbal abuse, unlike any
other kind of abuse, cannot be done alone. The verbal abuser's need is
to get and hold the victim's attention, along with the emotional
reactions that are evidence of the power to do so. That requires the
victim's participation and it means that the targets of verbal abuse
aren't helpless–there are things they can do to defend
themselves. This
isn't "blaming the victim," it's empowering the victim.
Second: You can't help alcoholics by giving them drinks, but you can
help chronic verbal abusers by giving them attention. Their problem is
that they really believe that there's no other way they can get
attention except by verbally abusing others. If people make a point of
giving them attention that is in no way linked to hostile language, it
will help.
14. What
is the link between verbal self-defense and people's health and
wellbeing?
Thanks to today's
powerful computers that let us analyze the health records of hundreds
of thousands of people over many years, we now know that the two major
risk factors for all illnesses and disorders and accidents, across the
board, are (a) loneliness and (b) exposure to chronic hostility. We
also now know that the danger is not limited just to those who are
targets of hostile language; hostile language is also dangerous for the
attackers and for innocent bystanders who aren't free to leave the
scene.
15. What
is the link between verbal self-defense and people's success in this
world?
There was a time
when it was common for people to stay for many years in just one job,
often all the way to their retirement. In that situation, there was a
long period during which people in the workplace got to know one
another and became accustomed to one another's behaviors and
personalities. When someone new joined the group, they would hear
statements like, "Don't pay any attention to the way Joe talks; he
doesn't mean anything by it," and "Don't let the things Ellen says
bother you; she's really a very kind person." Today, that is no longer
the case. Now people move from job to job, even from career to career;
someone who stays at one workplace has to move from team to team. That
means that it's critical to be able to establish rapport with others
very quickly and efficiently; it means that it's critical to be able to
avoid being perceived as someone who's hard to get along with.
16. Why
is body language so important for English?
Because in English
speech most of the emotional message is carried not by the words you
say but by the body language that goes with those words, and especially
by your tone of voice and your intonation. No matter how carefully you
choose your words, their message can be diminished, or even canceled,
by your body language.
17. What
do you mean when you talk about "the language environment"?
We're used to
thinking of the physical environment and of the need to keep it
wholesome. But only very recently have we begun to realize that it's
equally important to keep the language environment wholesome. Hostile
language is just as dangerous as polluted water or chemical waste, and
we let it accumulate all around us until we are living and working in
the linguistic equivalent of a toxic waste dump. Physical waste is hard
to ignore; we can see it and we can smell it and we're motivated to do
something about it. Verbal waste is different. It's invisible; it has
no smell; the damage it does is easy to ignore and traditionally is
ignored; and our culture actively promotes the myth that "sticks and
stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you."
18. What
is the primary goal of your verbal self-defense system?
To establish an
environment in which verbal violence almost never occurs; and in
which–on those rare occasions when it cannot be
avoided–it is dealt
with efficiently and effectively, with no loss of face on either side.
19. How
would a child use the Satir Modes most effectively?
No matter what
verbal self-defense technique children are using, whether
it’s “Using
the Satir Modes” or one of the other techniques from the
Gentle Art
system, there will be one major difference that children always have to
deal with. For children, there are two language environments
–the one
made up of interactions with other children, and the one made up of
interactions with adults.
When a child is
interacting with another child, the rules for using the Satir Modes are
the ones stated in the book. But a child interacting with an adult is
by definition out-ranked, and must be extremely careful not to choose a
Satir Mode that the adult might perceive as insolent or rude. This
means that it's not possible to specify rules for the use of Satir
Modes in child/adult interactions, because they are going to vary from
one situation to another. The closest thing to a reliable rule is that
children should always choose either Computing or
Leveling–never
Blaming, Placating, or Distracting–basing their choice on
their
personal knowledge about the circumstances and about the adult(s)
involved.
[Note: The Satir
Modes–Blaming, Placating, Computing, Distracting, and
Leveling–are a
set of language behaviors observed by therapist Virginia Satir to be
typical of people communicating under stress.]
Copyright © 2009 by
Suzette Haden Elgin
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